So what is this spirit?  God?  The universe?  Your inner voice?  I don’t know.  Maybe all these things.  But what I do know is that your spirit is relentless.  It will not stop bugging you until you get on your right path.  Sometimes it feels like your spirit is torturing you because it calls you to do the very last thing you want to do, ever.  But that is what spirit does.  It leads you to uncomfortable places.  And it doesn’t like to be ignored.  And yes, it won’t just go away.

I think our spirit is the part of us that is responsible for teaching us and making sure we accomplish what we came here in this life to do.  It’s not necessarily a sadist.  But it will go to any lengths to make sure you get your lessons, even if it means losing everything, hitting rock bottom or utter humiliation.  It’s hard to be thankful for the role spirit plays in each of our lives.  And yet it is necessary.

My husband always says you can get your lessons the easy way or hard way.  Stop being stubborn and learn what you need to the gentle way.  There is no reason to always have everything your way.  Just accept the lesson and surrender.  This is so much easier but yet most of us fight and hold out until the very end, trying to make things happen the way we want them to.  And don’t pull the trick of telling yourself that you actually are on your path when you know at a deep level that it is BS.  This denial will just bring more turmoil into your life.

This seems to be the way the universe is set up.  You can’t escape the inevitable.  At some point spirit will wear you down and you must face it.  So meet head on this powerful force within you.  Embrace it even if you’re fearful.  Don’t struggle against the new opportunities that will come to you.  If your spirit calls you, it is for your benefit.  It is to help you reach your true goals.  It exists so you may experience peace and a deep satisfaction.  It actually is the catalyst which helps you get what you truly want (and this will normally be in direct opposition to what your ego will tell you it wants).  And to finally experience what your spirit has guided you towards is a marvelous thing.

Read the rest of this post at:

http://www.lovingspirituality.com/i-just-luv-myself/

The Law of Attraction: How to turn your intentions into reality

1). Do something fun. Just because you’re not receiving a paycheck doesn’t mean that for your penance, your life should be void of any enjoyment. Go see a movie every so often. Take your kids to the waterpark that they’ve been begging you to take them to.  Life doesn’t stop just because you happen to be out of work.

2). So something for others. Try to avoid feeling sorry for yourself during this difficult period. There are many other folks in a similar situation. Make it a priority to spend a few hours in service to others at least once a week. The payback to boost your mood and self-image doesn’t hurt, especially when the extra confidence is reflected in a critical job interview.

3). Minimize the chatter and distractions. Whether its CNN running in the background 24/7, or those irritating notifications beeping and chirping constantly on your smart phone, turn off all technical gadgets and stop time wasters.  If you’re expecting an important email or phone call from a potential employer, of course be readily available.  Otherwise, give yourself extended periods of time to focus and think, away from all of the distractions.  Having a scattered mind is one of the worst ways to approach job seeking, from networking to interviewing.  You’ll be surprised  that with stillness can come new ideas, openness, confidence, revitalization and solutions.

4). Realize that work is not the only place where you claim your identity.  Although it is important to have a meaningful career, you are worth much more than the tasks you perform for your job.  All too often people who are out of work become  demoralized and lost because they defined themselves by their positions, salaries and titles.  We are multi-faceted, each of us with numerous gifts and talents. When it comes to job hunting, it is easy to come across as desperate if your whole sense of purpose is derived from being employed.  This will decrease your worth in the job market.  Instead, sell yourself on an interview to a hiring authority by knowing and communicating your true value.

5). Give up austerity thinking.  I once worked with an established CEO who, once laid off, gave up all recreational activities, including his hockey league.  He thought it wise to cut his expenses and the hockey league was on his list of non-essential expenditures. Yes, it is prudent to be careful with your budget.  But if you can afford it, (and this client had no difficulty affording anything), don’t cut the things that ground you, keep you level-headed and bring some degree of fulfillment. Also, avoid being frugal over necessary job related items (like buying a new suit when the ones left in your closet either don’t fit or were in style 20 years ago).  Remember, the little details could nail that job offer.

6). Make organization a priority. Write everything down, follow your schedule faithfully and don’t miss any appointments. Schedule out everything possible, from semimonthly haircuts (for men) and daily workouts to on-line job research or time spent working LinkedIn.  If you’re doing extensive networking, make sure all of your contacts are in a user friendly database and easily accessible, not scribbled on random napkins or floating around somewhere in your purse.  When you use your time effectively, you’ll feel productive, intrinsically motivated and avoid the procrastination so many job seekers succumb to due to lack of organization.

There are different theories out there regarding how long it takes for a new behavior to become a habit.  I believe new behaviors become ingrained and part of our repertoire with each new decision we make.  Be vigilant and monitor your behavior.  Cut out the belief systems or destructive behaviors that don’t serve you.  Remember these tips, especially when your job search seems endless, and soon you may discover renewed enthusiasm and sense of purpose.

The themes in Batman movies are so powerful that we can’t help but relate to them.  The strongest of these themes is the will to do good, to serve, to bring justice and to live a life of self-sacrifice.  We witness Christian Bale’s Bruce Wayne/Batman character give up his life time and time again for the greater good, hardly questioning what’s in it for him.  Throughout the trilogy he comes to understand that his life is not his own.

Unlike many superheroes, Batman doesn’t actually have superpowers.  He is an ordinary citizen (albeit very wealthy) who out of a sense of duty and to preserve his family’s legacy, answers the call to service.  Like Batman, the Aurora theater where the massacre took place was filled with seemingly normal people who made decisions that saved lives even when their own life was at great risk.  As more information is uncovered about the terrible theater massacre, countless acts of heroism by brave patrons have been revealed.  We see regular people disguised as heroes, with no magical or special abilities, who, without hesitation, were willing to risk their lives for others, each with the desire to protect and assist.  Each new story reported makes us feel proud of our neighbors and reinforces the fact that there are good people among us.

This tragedy leaves me with a sadness, a sadness which will remain with me for a long time.  I was also in attendance with my husband at the midnight premiere of ‘The Dark Knight Rises’, but at another theater only miles away.  I am still stunned and shocked by all of the events, and even more shocked by the fact that it could have been me or my husband that was wounded or killed.

Although this tragedy hits close to home, occurred in my community and fills me with anger and sorrow, I do believe that now is the time for compassion.  Compassion for the victims and their families and friends will be crucial for healing for us all.  In a world where it seems that darkness is growing at an alarming rate, it is time for the light to emerge.  Darkness can be turned away if we seek compassion for James Holmes and his family.  In ‘Batman Begins’, Bruce Wayne is accused of being weak due to his sense of compassion by his mentor and teacher, Ra’s al Ghul.  Wayne believes his empathy for his fellow human beings sets him apart, allowing him to carry out his role as guardian and perhaps even savior.  Compassion leads him to seek justice instead of a destructive path of revenge and vigilantism.  It is ironic that the theme of compassion in this story, this myth, and this tale that resonates so strongly in our collective unconscious could also be instrumental in our healing, grieving process and understanding of these terrible events.

In the end, justice will likely prevail.  James Holmes will go to trial and a jury of his peers will decide his fate.  Holmes’ alleged assault on our community and the possible attempt to cause psychological unrest and perhaps even civil unrest among its citizens has backfired.  Instead of creating unbridled fear and terror, this massacre accomplished the opposite.  We as a community, a nation, and as fellow humans have been given hope — hope that we will not take our lives nor the lives of our loved ones for granted, and to have appreciation and love for others, even those we hardly know.  Hope that in spite of the presence of darkness, that light and goodness will overcome fear, hate and anger.  Hope that we will fight for one another with courage and compassion, while never giving up on our neighbor.  And most importantly, hope that there are those who have answered the call to service, who respond even when it is difficult, challenging or at great cost to themselves.

The Bruce Wayne/Batman character at the finale of the trilogy displays such self-sacrifice that he is able to transcend his painful past.  His character evolves to the point where he accomplishes what he set out to do at the beginning of his journey; to be a symbol representing hope and to inspire courage and self-sacrifice in others. The story of Batman is a powerful one, shedding light on our humanity, the price we all pay, and these truths we must never forget.

As a life-coach, I work continually with clients to help them in their interpersonal relationships, especially in the area of love and dating. TV shows including the “The Bachelorette” featuring Emily Maynard and “Miss Advised”, (a reality show which chronicles the lives of 3 single women who give sex and dating advice) demonstrate different approaches to starting relationships and finding love. I have my own set of rules to share, many contrary to the values popularized by these shows. Here are a few of the myths and rules regarding what to do and what not to do in dating.

1). Stop listening to phrases like “just be authentic” and referring to yourself as “authentic.” Proceed with caution in dating and don’t be transparent too early. I hate the term “authenticity”. The term has been bandied about so extensively by politicians, celebrities, self-help gurus and on talk shows that the term has virtually lost all meaning. It’s just another way of saying, “just be yourself” (anytime, anywhere and at any moment). People in the public eye who use the word when referring to themselves actually lose credibility with the public.

If “authenticity” means to not compromise one’s integrity, values and not deceive and lie, I support this notion whole heartedly. If it means to shed a fake persona stemming from your insecurities then I also agree. But what does it really mean to “be yourself?” Can a qualitative label really contain the exact essence of a person? The fact is that we are changing constantly. You change and your tastes change. There is a deep core to all of us, but sometimes that changes radically too. The notion of “self” is a constantly moving target — fleeting and transitory, just like happiness.

2). Be discreet in what you share. Do you really want someone to know the most intimate details of your life before even really getting to know them? Do you really want your new suitor to know about your authentic self who owns 1001 pairs of shoes due to your on-line shoe shopping addiction? Do you really want to know the side of him who likes to eat cold pizza in his underwear while watching Sports Center? Probably not.

When it comes to dating at some point it is important to be yourself, but not all at once. Be open, approachable and friendly when you’re first dating. But don’t rush towards physical and emotional intimacy too soon. You should take a staged approach and open up gradually.

Julia on the show “Miss Advised” is a perfect example of acting too desperate, insecure and aggressive on a first date. She would get a lot farther if she would let things unfold without trying to take and remain in control. A friend of mine who never seemed at a loss for a date had a reputation for playing hard to get, being slightly unavailable and somewhat hard to read. She had a better track record for being asked out on 2^nd and 3^rd dates than most women and was never accused of being too needy, emotional, unstable or desperate. There is a middle ground. Find it and live it.

3). Follow a set of tried and true dating rules and stop saying “Yes” to everything. If you say “yes” to everything, it is going to wind up with premature physical intimacy (saying no by the way will not contradict your true, authentic self). Be open to the extent that you’re game for meeting new people and will consider dating outside of your typical “type”. But also be discriminating.

Emily, the “Sex Expert” on “Miss Advised”, keeps repeating over and over again, “Say yes to everything!”  I admire her for her willingness to look beyond the superficial and to move out of her comfort zone, but if she followed her way of thinking to its logical conclusion, a dialog between her and someone she’s dating would go like this. “Do you want to go out?” “Yes!” “Do you want to have sex?” “Yes!” “Do you want to do a threesome?” “Yes!” “Do you want to keep screwing while I never have to commit to you or treat you with respect?” “Yes!” I’m afraid Emily’s comfort zone is already too broad. Say no to sex until you have established a deeper connection or as Patti Stanger of “The Millionaire Matchmaker” would say, “No sex until monogamy!”

Monogamy is unfortunately seen as an anathema to Emily. It’s time Emily say yes to personal boundaries and insist that she be treated decently. Given her recent dates covered by the latest episodes of “Miss Advised”, it was clear Emily was not treated respectfully. Otherwise she wouldn’t have been taken to a strip club on a first date and a discussion of anal sex would not have been a topic of conversation for a second date. It’s her job to set the tone for how she’ll be treated at the beginning and throughout the course of a relationship.

Emily hates when rules are applied in dating but her first rule should be yes to be treated with respect, and no to putting up with the disrespectful crap most men will invariably attempt at one point or another.

4). Chemistry is chemical and attraction is just the beginning. Julia’s rule is to walk out on a date if she doesn’t experience chemistry within the first 5 minutes. On “The Bachelorette” we are constantly subjected to hearing Emily say, “I just feel so good around him, he seems so perfect. There’s no one else I’d rather be with.” Funny how she can say this about half of the guys in her dating pool every episode.

“The Bachelorette” as a concept is great for reality TV but terrible for forming a relationship in real life. The most obvious flaw is that there isn’t enough time for Emily to really get to know any one contestant. All of her time is taken up with the filming of romantic sunsets, dinner at the Eiffel Tower, scaling cliff walls and swimming with dolphins. Who wouldn’t have endorphins and feel good hormones coursing through their bodies under these circumstances?

You would have to be a robot to be immune from the influence of these exotic environments on your hormones, which you’ll interpret as “I just feel so comfortable and excited around this person! He is so hot. He is the one!” Besides, 25 guys were handpicked for her from around the country, probably from a pool of hundreds of men. All of them handsome, financially stable and ready to commit. I don’t think even the most brilliant matchmaker could pull this off. Real life doesn’t work like this.

Attraction is important, but it isn’t everything. Initial attraction is caused by a chemical and has a very short shelf life. Be excited but give yourself room to breathe and time to really get to know him. Don’t put an expiration date on your burgeoning relationship before its time after the chemistry wears off.

5). Remember there are two people in a relationship. One glaring theme among all these dating shows is women forgetting to talk about what they plan to bring to the relationship. Most women have a deep sense of entitlement over the fact that their participation in the relationship should be enough. It is all about these men fulfilling their needs, and meeting every requirement of their 73 point dating checklist (I am referring to Julia and her ridiculous checklist).

The Bachelorette Emily talks non-stop about how she just wants babies, babies and more babies. Whenever she’s filmed in a new, exciting locale, her first thought is how this could be the place where she’ll be vacationing with her new husband, stroller in tow of course. She has a high and unattainable set of expectations involving marriage.

According to Emily, the purpose of marriage is to make her life perfect with her perfect husband. Unfortunately a perfect spouse does not exist. It is nice to fantasize and daydream about what your life will look like once you get married. But a lot more is involved in making a marriage work. If you’re not ready to really open up your life to someone else, to compromise, to give up your selfishness, and to challenge and enrich the life of your spouse, you’re not ready for a real relationship. You will be happier just sticking to dating. Marriage changes your life and has its rewards, but probably not the rewards you’ve imagined in your head all of these years.

Every woman when dating should abide by a certain set of dating rules, rules designed to help her attract and encourage his interest in her for the long term. Following these rules also allows her to achieve a high degree of respect, an ingredient essential and beneficial for the continuation of the relationship. Letting go of unrealistic expectations about perfect marriages, perfect looking spouses and the perfect life is not only a recipe for marital success but also for a woman’s personal satisfaction, joy and sense of fulfillment.

1). Figure out what you don’t like. To kickstart the career search process, begin with analyzing jobs/titles/duties you dislike. First write out your “Job From Hell,” before moving on to the “Job From Heaven.” Taking a close look at the opposite of something allows us to shift our thinking and enables us to articulate in detail what we want.

To read more, go to cobizmag.com

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.   ~ 

Women are under attack.  Every part of their being is being scrutinized, dissected and criticized by shock jocks who promote hatred over the air waves, politicians seeking to increase their visibility and popularity, and law makers who can only be described as misogynists.  Whether the issue is over their sexual behavior, beauty, parenting skills or the size of their paycheck, they have become the increasing target of unfair criticism based on a standard of unrealistic expectations.   Though throughout history and especially in today’s world, the worst attacks seem to come in the form of ridicule and criticism for not being desirable or attractive enough.

The values of our society that judge women solely based on looks always places women at a disadvantage.  The beauty/health/fitness magazines generally perpetuate the illusion of the modern superwoman (a woman who is part supermodel, supermom, perfect housekeeper, perfect friend/partner/spouse and rising career star).  Basically women have to be perfect…..at everything.   To help women become perfect, there are beauty products.  For every beauty emergency, there is a remedy in the form of a beauty product.  Messages and images of attractive women (and the imperative to be as beautiful as possible) insinuate and embed themselves into her subconscious.  Glossy magazines display bold statements scattered across their covers and use them as bait to convince women that they must become privy to the beauty secrets contained within.  This enticement to buy the holy grail promoting youthful skin or silky, bouncy hair quickly leads to desperation and fear that she will no longer be attractive if she doesn’t immediately buy and slather her face and body with these miracle salves.

With such unrealistic standards of beauty and burgeoning beauty trends that are either ridiculous, costly or dangerous to women, how can we ever keep up?  Leopard-print false eyelashes, painful tooth whitening compounds and vaginal bleaching creams.  Yes, you heard me correctly.  Now there are creams promoting the lightening of skin in that region.  Right now the topic is merely giving teenage girls something to giggle about, but fairly soon, it probably will become a mainstream trend.  Unfortunately these “trends” work towards making women feel more insecure than they already are.  Is nothing sacred?  Isn’t there a body part or area on our body that we can just leave well alone?  At what point will we feel attractive enough so that we don’t have to buy into unrealistic images of beauty that even supermodels themselves can’t live up to?

When we are at peace we are enough.  When we feel truly empowered is when we will feel stunningly beautiful.  Being a woman is to have knowledge that we are endowed with and strengthened by our beauty, our sexuality, by the full use of our intellect, nurturing our passions and by using our talents and gifts in service to those around us.   We as women are complex, multi-faceted.  We won’t tolerate being reduced to just another pretty face.

The assault on women, women’s rights and womanhood itself is at an all time high.  Must we also add ourselves to the ever growing list of attackers?  When we place so much emphasis on our looks, we buy into societal messages that inevitably leave us feeling badly about ourselves.  When we expect ourselves to consistently perform superhuman acts everyday in every arena– at the dinner table, in the Boardroom, in the bedroom– yet again, we set ourselves up for failure and disappointment at some level.  Empowerment comes when we stop judging ourselves.  Then we need to stop judging each other.  When we judge our sister we only expose our own insecurity and become willing participants in acts aimed to subjugate women.

It’s time to define true beauty.  Beauty is within you.  It is in the woman next to you.  It is in the unlikeliest of places.   Beauty is not contained only in your visage, your body or your outward appearance.   But it is visible when you complete a headstand in yoga without a prop for the first time.  It is witnessed when you fight for an unpopular decision in the workplace because you believe in it.  It is when you grow rows of vines of hearty tomatoes in your garden.  And it is when you get tired of coloring your hair and are brave enough to let the first shades of gray appear. Beauty is what you choose to see.  And it can’t be purchased with any products that claim to polish, buff, youthen or shine.  And it can’t be bought because the glow of perfection is within; without blemish and without stain.  Put simply, beauty is you.

Nicole Heckers, MA, BCPC is Board Certified in Professional Counseling by the APA, and specializes in challenges facing women in their relationships, careers, self-esteem, life path and in making right decisions. She offers a free initial consultation. Call 303.480.5484 to set up your free in-person, phone or Skype appointment. Nicole works nationally as a Life Coach. She welcomes your email contact at nheckers@asaeadvice.com.

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