It’s not just the holiday season that causes tension, irritability and disillusionment for the general populace.  Life is difficult.   Everyone has their own set of problems.  If we don’t want to live our lives in a cycle of endless frustration, it helps to have coping mechanisms.  There is the standard list including exercise (yoga is great), relying on your support system, doing one thing nice for yourself daily (like watching those movies which remind you of your crazy family), and the list goes on.  Another way though to deal with life’s challenges is to just live with it.

I don’t mean to sound glib.  But I do mean that sometimes we need to recognize that a situation is the way it is because it just IS.  There aren’t necessarily reasons why X or Y happens.  It just happens to be a reality.  This isn’t of course comforting.  But maybe the point isn’t always to be comfortable.

I’ve had to deal with my share of situations filled with uncertainty and times when life seems intolerable with no discernable solution and no way out.  This is a really tough place to be.  And yet I have no choice but to be where I am in my present situation.  I have to sit with my extreme discomfort of living in what feels like dangerously turbulent and rough waters- without a life jacket, life preserver or any hope of finding solid ground.  I am called to endure the Sturm und Drang.  Wanting things to be different, or being angry because X should be this way or should be that way is really a waste of energy.   Avoiding the temptation to indulge in self-pity because there is no heavenly scorecard keeping track of things to ensure that my life is fair can take an infinite amount discipline.  When I finally realize I’m not doing myself any favors, my resistance to facing discomfort wears down, little by little.  The waters that were once 15 foot waves, dissipate into smaller currents.   Eventually all the silt, debris, and whirlpool of negativity settles to the bottom of the ocean floor.  I risk opening my eyes while underwater.  Surprisingly, everything has calmed down and I can see much more clearly.   The watery depths contain beauty as well as ugliness, one enveloping the other.   In these critical moments, I decide to surrender and to stop wasting precious energy by swimming against the current.

The reality is that we live with uncertainty everyday.  Will we face a tsunami or gentle tides?  We can never know, so the question is irrelevant, but we must accept either possibility.   As we let go of control, acknowledging a difficult period as merely a time we must go through can be satisfying in its simplicity.  Nothing lasts forever.   Things will change.  Our circumstances will change.  Our outlook will change.   Remember this the next time you come head to head with a situation you believe is unbearable.   Find peace within the chaos and sit with it for as long as necessary.  And in the end, you will draw from a strength you never knew existed, cleansed and purified, you realize the tides have already washed away all but the smallest traces of your sadness, grief and pain.

Being content with what we have, or being content in general is hard for most of us.  It definitely goes against our American-ness.  We go through most of our day striving or dreaming about more; more possessions, more money, more success, more recognition, more everything.  It reminds me of the saying, “You can never be too rich or too thin.” But can we?  Isn’t there a point where we know we have enough?

A friend of mine recently experienced a series of hardships where just about everything went wrong.  She referred to her life as a “spectacular mess” as she was faced with joblessness, near homelessness, bankruptcy, and severe health issues.  Frequently feeling overwhelmed, she confided to me that the best way she handled her difficult life situation was to get through things one day at a time.  She didn’t look too far ahead, and she didn’t allow herself to dwell in her negative past.  And then one day the remarkable happened, but it wasn’t due to a miracle, cure or quick fix.  Her mindset simply changed with the realization that there was no need to look outside of herself.   She finally figured out she had nothing to lose.  She stopped defining her life by her problems.  Without her fear, she had everything.  There were no assets to her name and she felt unencumbered.  She stopped worrying about being seen as a failure, her professional reputation no longer mattered, and when she suddenly realized she had little influence over the unpredictable nature of her health, she stopped trying to force things in a particular direction.  There was nothing she could control.  She understood that she had enough of what she needed, and even more.  And she was free.  And she was grateful.  And she accepted the good with the bad.

The Dalai Lama’s name can be interpreted as an “ocean of wisdom”.   Now is the time when we are called to tap into the holiness within ourselves, and connect to the ocean of gratitude.  Here we are free to experience its mysterious depths filled with a sense of deep satisfaction, the peace brought by the calming ripples of the tides rushing against the shore, the clarity of the clear blue water when viewed from the edge of a precipice, and love, limitless, like the vastness of the ocean, with no beginning and no end.   Gratitude is a great gift, one that we must allow ourselves.  And when we feel we don’t have enough, all we have to do is to turn inwards, to enjoy the freedom, joy and abundance contained within.

About six months after graduating from college I had a conversation with my college friend, let’s call her Jamie, about employment.  She had graduated with a degree in Sociology and took a position at a job that paid well but was unrelated to her major.  After a few months on the job she concluded that didn’t particularly like it,  but she definitely liked her salary.  As we spoke, I urged her to keep her eye out for a position that would be rewarding to her, and I secretly hoped she wouldn’t allow herself to get stuck at this position permanently.  Fast forward fifteen years later.  Jamie was still at the same company (although she had been promoted several times) and not much had changed.

One factor that kept Jamie bound to this job was the lifestyle she chose once she started to make an impressive living.  She didn’t want to find another position that she was passionate about (one that would certainly pay less), because she wanted to be able to make her $450 per month car payment.  She also wanted to continue to travel over the weekends to visit with friends in different parts of the country.  She had built up quite a list of things she would lose should her paycheck dwindle.  Having a great car and jetting across the country sounded exciting.  But I couldn’t help but wonder if the compromises she made regarding career satisfaction were ultimately worth it.

All of us make decisions about our careers that are in part driven by financial considerations.  This is necessary.  But sometimes we let the allure of financial security and maintaining a certain lifestyle do most of the driving.   Most of us are influenced by this underlying fear of making changes, fear of losing our stuff and our expensive lifestyles, and fear of failing at something new.   We collude with our fear.  In this agreement, we don’t have to take risks and are allowed to keep our fancy titles and salaries.  But in return, we have to live with knowing we’re not reaching our potential and that there is little meaning in what we actually do day-to-day.

Figuring out what you love to do and pursuing it IS a scary and risky proposition.  But following your right path can eventually lead you to true career and life satisfaction (and even financial reward).  When Steve Jobs gave the commencement address at Stanford in 2005, he shared his personal story of how he started, grew, got fired from, then was hired back at one of the most innovative and visionary companies.  He conceived of and nurtured a company that was truly a “game changer”.  The key to his success was found in his determination to do great work and to love the work he did.  This love made all the difference and reverberated throughout his professional and personal life.

I am not advocating that people immediately quit jobs they hate, stop traveling or stop enjoying things they can afford.  But I urge each one of us to take a look at our career satisfaction.  If you don’t love what you do then change it.  Start to downsize your lifestyle.  Save more instead of spend more.  Stop worrying about maintaining your coveted image, title and salary.  Make new connections who can advise you and help you uncover new opportunities.  Don’t discount the different possibilities even if they seem outrageous or unrealistic.  Decide now, and keep making the decision over and over again that you will eventually find your true love so to speak.

We spend at least a third of our life at work.  Why should we waste this precious time on something that we know is not right for us?  If we’re courageous enough, we’ll stop making excuses and stop procrastinating.  So even if you’re starting out in your career or are well established, you still have time to examine and pursue your life’s purpose.   We want the highest pay possible for the work that we perform, but the price we pay when we compromise our spiritual, emotional, physical and mental selves for a paycheck is incalculable.

Here are some tips to help you to survive:

1) Don’t panic. Just because your neighbor, friends or family members are excitable doesn’t mean that you need to join them. Being worried and upset will not help you deal with tough economic realities. It will only negatively impact your ability to see through illusions (especially the propaganda promulgated by the media and politicians), gather information and make wise decisions. When you feel a panic attack or fear start to set in, calm your mind. Take several deep breaths. Emotionally or physically distance yourself from people or situations that drag you down. Watch the conversations you have with others. Use your energy for positive activities and for speaking positively.

2) Start planning. Start planning what? Prepare for the worst-case scenario. Plan for every contingency including losing your job, house, savings etc. If the economy worsens and causes you financial distress, have some idea of who you can turn to for help.

3) Downsize. Downsize if you need to. Don’t commit yourself to financial obligations you may not be able to keep. Stop spending money frivolously. Spend the money instead on supplies, extra medications, non-perishable food items, or take care of repairs to your house or car. Ensure that the things you need to live day-to-day are in proper working condition, easily accessible or that you have enough supplies to last you through a few rough weeks or months. You can never go wrong by being overly prepared.

4) No denial! The media has downplayed the recent economic crisis related to the debt ceiling. The downgrading of our national credit is serious. We are far past the point of a wake-up call. Many experts believe the worst is yet to come.

5) Get help. Seek the advice of a career expert, life coach, financial planner or credit counselor if your life, finances or career are in jeopardy. It is better to tackle the big issues sooner rather than later. These experts can help you build a plan to address these nasty areas if the economy collapses, your savings are wiped out or your job is eliminated.

6) Make the best of a difficult situation. Remain positive at all times. The more determined you are to get through tough times, the more likely you are to survive, or even thrive. Envision prosperity and peace for yourself and for your neighbors. Create a vision of a world that is not tainted by the greed and corruption of Washington and where the ability of mega-corporations or leaders of Congress to hold our country hostage is eliminated.

7) Support others. There are a large number of people out there who are in need. Help them by sharing resources. Give helpful advice. Better yet, start to build or join a community where people take care of one another or strive to reach a common goal. By supporting others, you are also gaining support for yourself.

Learn new skills, especially the ones which enable you to be more self-sufficient. These skills might include sewing, growing a garden, learning how to can your own food or the skills needed to make modifications to your home to reduce energy costs. We have a dangerous dependence on technology and on other systems to provide for our basic needs. Making this paradigm shift may seem radical, but may become the new model to ensure your survival.

I’m sure there are those out there who would label me as an alarmist. I hope the majority of you though will take precautions to prepare for the worst. Clear your mind, de-clutter your surroundings, and have a plan in place to address and protect you from harsh economic realities and financial turmoil.

In my greatest moments of weakness, I’ve had some of my greatest experiences of learning. It is a pity that we, as Americans, are so reluctant to admit to our shortcomings. And the more fearful and ashamed we are of failure (past and future), the more likely we are to eventually stop trying any thing new. We have a culture that values achievement and winning so highly, that we neglect to realize that without “failure” or mistakes and missteps, we could not have an understanding of success.

In recalling certain “failures” from my past, they have all been marked by the sting of criticism from my detractors. Last year my business partner and I gave a class to job seekers. Even though our presentation was solid, we were still slightly off and not as dynamic and engaging as we had a reputation for being. While the class contained great information, a couple of people walked out at the break…the first time this had ever happened to us. I’ve written blog posts that unintentionally became controversial, leaving readers angry, with no understanding of my intention or my point. Then there’s been the questions that challenged my identity and self-perception, seeming to strike at my core. These attacks include the pummeling I endured from a professor as I was defending my thesis, and public criticism I faced during a music competition over my interpretation of the piece I had poured everything in to.

Many of these moments have been defining moments of my life. Now that I’ve had an opportunity for reflection, I’ve recognized something valuable from each incident. In each case there was room for improvement, but more importantly, I realized that the label of “failure” or “success” has very little actual meaning. The public criticism I faced does not denote failure. It means I tried something, and it was not always well received. Oh well.

The following is a list of lessons I’ve taken to heart :

• Within failure and criticism lies hidden opportunities.
• Failure and success are often indistinguishable from one another.
• These experiences have made me stronger. It doesn’t really matter if the commentary is negative or positive, I will learn something in either situation. When I don’t excel at something, I often learn more than if I had achieved the expected results.
• Due to the challenges I’ve faced, my resolve enables me to handle anything that comes my way.
• It is important not to judge things at face-value. We never entirely know the impact we have on others. What appears to be a “failure” on the surface may over time be interpreted differently or even viewed as something positive.
• Sometimes criticism is given as a test to see how an individual handles a particular situation, and is used as a motivator to improve performance.
• I am grateful that people took the time to give me feedback which made me stronger and ultimately better.

When we try anything new that is highly important to us, our efforts are only worthy if we are willing to risk everything and persist until we’re satisfied with the outcome.

I am reminded of the story my friend Rich told me about his son, let’s call him Tommy. Tommy was getting ready to take his black-belt test in Tae-Kwon-Do. Over many months he diligently prepared for what would be a very strenuous endeavor, spanning several days and requiring travel. The day of the test finally came, and he took the test, but in the end, did not pass.

Before leaving the hotel, Rich purchased a souvenir, a key to remind his son of this experience. A year passed, and Tommy decided to test a second time. He did not allow himself to get discouraged and had over the course of the year put his whole heart into his training. When the date arrived to take the test, Rich went with Tommy and again traveled the far distance required. After finishing the test, Tommy was delighted to find out that he had passed. Before Rich left, he bought a second key from the souvenir shop, identical to the first. After several months, Rich brought out the two keys. He and Tommy compared the two, examining them and turning them over in their hands.

Each key had represented “failure” or “success”. But when presented side-by-side, they were indistinguishable from one another. They now lost their original meaning. Tommy realized he had learned a great deal from both experiences and the keys now represented the risks he took, the perseverance required to meet his goal and gratitude for the opportunity to expand his character and learn something new about himself.

There is a Japanese proverb that states, “Fall down seven times but get up eight.” It is our job to chase after new opportunities and embrace them. “Success” or “failure” is merely determined by our perception and interpretation of an event. It does not have meaning unless we give it a particular meaning. The true test is not whether we achieve the results we desire on the first try, but, if after we stumble, we have the courage to face our fear and doubt head on, to risk stumbling again.

1) Women who approach things tentatively and timidly.

A woman who is uncertain of her voice and opinions will often look to others to validate her point. Because she will fear being contradicted and embarrassed, she will seek agreement or not offer her opinion. This lack of certainty will be reflected in her voice, body language and the words she chooses. She’ll pose her opinion as a question, allowing her voice to go up in pitch at the end of a sentence. This hesitancy may affect her ability to manage others. If she lacks authority and discounts her power, her subordinates may feel that her requests are optional instead of mandatory.

2) Women who hold themselves accountable to the unrealistic expectations they set for themselves.

A woman who attempts to be perfect often fears the judgement of others and is fairly risk aversive. She constantly places unrealistic expectations upon herself, leading her to feel self-conscious and be self-critical. This drive for perfection can really set a woman up for failure, or at least have the effect of contributing negatively to her self-image. A friend of mine was terrified to go on a job interview because she had gained a few pounds during the months she was unemployed. She expected that she would stay slim and fit under any circumstance. During the interview, her anxiety was palpable as she was worried less about her qualifications and cultural fit with the job than she was about her weight. Although she got the job offer, her focus over body image expectations could have very well cost her the wonderful opportunity.

3) Women who avoid self-promotion.

If a woman wants to really accelerate her career growth, she must face her discomfort in some areas. Whether we like it or not, we are always selling ourselves; to bosses, our customers, or to the general public. I often seen women missing great opportunities to engage others and “sell” themselves especially in networking settings. It is typical to see women hovering together in groups instead of mingling with the entire crowd. My friend Carol Ann is an immensely talented executive who rose through the executive ranks very quickly. She shared some advice with me that was given by her mentor. Her mentor said, “The one way to really help your career to grow is to stop networking strictly with women. Don’t sit next to a woman at a luncheon. Network with women, but also spend just as much time with men.” Whether this comment is fair, or unfair, Carol Ann heeded this sound advice, advice which helped her grow her network and career rapidly. Promoting herself and networking effectively eventually led her to her dream job, and make a jump from the Director level to the CEO/President level.

Let’s look at a few solutions to help in these areas.

Become comfortable cultivating your innate power. Stop being intimidated by those who display their power and authority. Speak and lead using your “command presence”.

Take the focus off yourself when you feel self conscious, judged, or as a social failure. Stop wasting time trying to be perfect. Decide to stop caring what others think. (I am in fact now writing a post on the benefits of learning from your detractors). Realize that most of the time, others aren’t even thinking about you. And besides, you have no control over their appraisal of you either. If the feelings of uncertainty stem from doubts about your skills or lack of qualifications, do as the old saying dictates, “fake it ‘till you make it”.

Stop trying to hide your talents because you’re worried about what others will think. Take calculated risks to accelerate your career growth. Push yourself in situations even if you are uncertain of the outcome. Avoid being a victim. Stop harboring anger and fear over things that have held you back in the past, whether it is an old wound, feelings of intimidation, or a memory from a career misstep. Instead of doubting yourself, recognize your weaknesses, but then move ahead to make improvements and learn from your mistakes. After a thorough self-examination, and when you’ve come to the point where you realize what you have to offer, take opportunities which allow you to showcase your abilities, and make this a priority. Unless you are very lucky, no one else will truly support you or promote you. This is your job, and a good step to help you achieve what you truly desire.

Following the aforementioned advice will take a behavioral and cognitive shift. Once you decide to stop selling yourself short and being hard on yourself, you’ll realize it is up to you move things forward. The price of success can be steep, but the price of regret is always greater.

5) You’re fake.

When I address this issue with women and their insincerity, I don’t mean that they should at all times “just be themselves”. But I do mean that women should not pretend to be something they think a guy would find attractive when this is not their typical mode of behavior. For instance, if you’re a meat eater or you really enjoy food, stop ordering just a salad on a date! He’s going to figure out eventually that you eat real food, especially if he ever tries to find something to eat in your fridge. Men in general have a preference for women who have some curves. If they’re paying for your meal, they would actually like to see you enjoy it. If the new guy you’re dating loves the outdoors and you prefer, well, not spending loads of time in nature, don’t exaggerate and lead him to believe your level of interest is the same. And for heaven’s sake, stop acting less intelligent than you really are! If he’s dating you because he likes that fact that you’re easy to manipulate and not intimidating, he is not a quality guy (and incredibly insecure). State your opinions. Share your interests. Eat food you would normally eat. As your relationship progresses, embrace and be open to his interests. He’ll relish the opportunity to show you something new and guide you through the process. This shared experience in the end will make him feel important. Having your interests match up 100% or a relationship based solely on activity related endeavors is not necessarily a recipe for success. Remember the old adage that opposites attract. A certain amount of variety can ultimately be your friend.

4) You complain.

You hate it when your friend doesn’t know when to stop her yammering. Why should it be any different for the guy you’re dating? There is a time and a place to share your struggles, but don’t turn every conversation into a debate or allow yourself to launch into your tirade of the day. Complaining is tiresome- for the both of you. Find something of real value to talk about, or better yet, when something is bothering you, work together to discuss solutions. Your cathartic rants belong in your diary and stop living life like it’s a soap-opera. Save the ridiculous drama for those who do it best, like the cast of Jersey Shore.

3) You seem unable to please and are highly emotional.

This point is also related to the previous point (complaining). Women who are highly dissatisfied tend to complain a lot. Men hate it when they feel like nothing they do for a woman is ever good enough. In addition, they can pick up anger, upset and toxic emotion in a woman a mile away. It is not hard to figure out that men hate tears, negativity and dramatic displays of emotion. Because frankly, they don’t really know how to deal with all the turmoil in your life. If you’re pissed all the time, figure out your anger and give it up. Be very vocal and positive when you are excited, appreciative, or generally enjoying yourself. Make it known that you appreciate and value him. My husband uses the term, “go along, get along”. His observation is priceless and goes a long, long way to building or strengthening a relationship.

2) You want to maintain your independence and be self-reliant.

So now you’re donning the new Wonder Woman costume? Save the superhero attitude and costume for Halloween. Women, from the time that they are very young are conditioned to strive to be perfect. As they grow older, there is immense pressure to be the perfect wife, mother, friend and to have a fantastic career. When women are too independent and their life seems to be in perfect order, it doesn’t leave much room for a man to contribute and to bring something to the relationship. Men like to feel that they have something to offer a woman. Sometimes they like to rescue. They will even act chivalrous with the right woman (ie, a woman who won’t scoff when he opens her door). If you are the Ms. Independent type of woman, let down your guard a bit and loosen your control. It is ok to need him, and of course for him to need you. It is a relationship, and it is a two-way-street when it comes to each party giving and receiving.

1) You lack respect for yourself.

Mutual respect by both parties is the essential element that is the foundation of any healthy relationship. When people lack this in their character, it is often out of fear and insecurity that they will compromise who they are. Desperation to be in a relationship will cause many women to change themselves to fit an image they think their partner desires. Not all of the changes women make to meet a partner’s needs are wrong or bad. But if a woman lies to others and herself about who she is, will say anything and manipulate a situation to get what she wants, or lowers her personal standards in relationships, she is making sacrifices which lower her self-worth. Conversely, a woman with integrity will be confident enough about who she is that she won’t need to pretend or act differently, she values herself enough that she will make a man work to win her approval, and she will not use a man as a walking wallet, but will actually value him. Attracting a quality man will be dependent on a woman holding firm to these principles. If you don’t have self-respect, he certainly won’t respect you. When a man respects you, he will treat you with decency. A good man will want to earn your respect, therefore, he will go to any length to win your approval. If these are issues you struggle with, stop being desperate. Don’t introduce intimacy too soon. Don’t compromise your integrity in any way just so he’ll like you. Give yourself some credit and don’t fall for the loser of the week. Stop being deceitful and stop lying to manipulate the relationship to your own ends. Make the decision that you won’t settle. Hold out for a confident, caring and intelligent partner. By following these guidelines, you are laying the groundwork for something meaningful and memorable. It is this respect among partners that will serve to ultimately strengthen the relationship, build trust and allow for true intimacy. Now who doesn’t want that?

I hope these tips help if you’re starting a new relationship and want to make sure his interest in you only grows deeper. When a certain level of trust has been built, be open, be honest, and let him know that he is important. Keep things positive so he doesn’t have to worry that you are high maintenance. Have fun early on and avoid being too serious and intense. And by doing so, it will help ensure that down the road, he’ll be nothing but serious…..about you.

Do you have relationships questions? Career questions? Life management questions? I welcome your emails at nheckers@asaeadvice.com and your phone calls at 720.261.4405 between the hours of noon and 9 PM. Feel free to schedule a complimentary Life Coaching appointment with me. For more information about my Life Coaching practice, please click here.

Click here to read an essay by Clarissa Pinkola-Estes, author of Women Who Run With The Wolves.