Competition Results in Separation
I’ ve never metformin hcl 1000 mg met a competition I didn’t like. For people who know me extremely well, or have witnessed my competitive nature growing up regarding piano contests, know I’m highly competitive. Whether it’s a result of my upbringing (nurture) or nature, there are doubtless many reasons why I chose to view each challenge, whether personal or professional, as something to win and dominate. Given the fact that I can be high-strung at times and somewhat insecure, striving to win every competition could perhaps be another way to convince myself that I’m worth liking or that people will find value in me.
Psychologists and therapists describe our insecurities with terminology such as “self-esteem” or having rigid “contingencies of self-worth” (conditions that must be met that we place on ourselves to prove we are worthy). Basically as humans we often look for external validation- sources outside of ourselves to provide this knowledge through affirmation and recognition. Where does this insane drive to be liked and accepted come from? Our childhood and not so distant memories of being chided on the playground? Insecurities about being liked by your peer group regardless of whether you were “popular” or not? Childhood aside, why do we constantly need to prove our worth to others as much as to ourselves?
Since time immemorial, humans have been thrown together in competition as individuals and as groups. When the earliest forms of life appeared as single celled microorganisms, a fight ensued for limited resources to promote growth of the incipient cellular structure. Biological models elucidating the process of natural selection and theories of evolution could be described as a cruel competition hosted by nature Herself.
Today we are surrounded by competition, though little of it has anything to do with basic survival. We are bombarded weekly by a new reality based TV show, using competition as a plot device. We see the spirit of fierce competition between countries in the Olympic Games of this past summer. As candidates apply for job positions, there is an underlying competition between job seekers as the company seeks to find the perfect new employee. Even in the realm of intimate relationships, we frequently see couples “competing” with one another and engaging in power struggles. As our modern sensibilities attest, competition is virtually inescapable.
Some of this is healthy, useful and fun. Some disagreements or contests can further compassion and understanding between formerly combative parties. Competing for jobs assures that the best candidates will fit the needs of the company. But sometimes competition can be destructive.
For example, in intimate relationships power struggles can lead to alienation. Rather than entering into power struggles, a compromise is often easier to reach than one might think. If compromise is out of the question, another alternative would be for one member to concede his/her position as an act of love, rather than “losing.” In doing so, the party stepping down acknowledges that he/she chooses pick his/her battles, aware of the damage of turning every argument into WWIII. It takes maturity in an intimate relationship to realize that the point of couplehood, and learning to live peacefully with another is not to win competitions or disagreements, but to always choose to find loving solutions even though it is difficult. “Winning” or “losing” is not the goal. Loving one another and working together is.
We must be careful about engaging in competition and realize there are consequences. We must ask if it is relatively fun and harmless, or useless and unnecessary. What is our true purpose? If we want to master something or achieve a difficult goal, such as competing in a triathalon to get in shape and train with friends, our motives may reasonable, or even admirable.
But many times competition has a darker side. We should exercise caution in instances where the ultimate goal of competing is to simply establish feelings of superiority over the loser. Competition for status and prestige based on what one could term a “cultural” or “social” imperative for survival can turn ugly among friends. As couples strive to “keep up with the Joneses,” each looking to out-buy the other, a cycle of endless, pathological spending as well as ill feelings can result. As we try to “one up” people with whom we have a friendship, a sense of alienation and separation (wanting to distance) ensues. Who wants to be intimate with a friend who secretly gloats over his/her superiority to you? When power struggles arise between people who are designed to support one another, they are damaging to the relationship and extremely draining of our energy. At the macro level, when any one group, system or country must consistently prove its superiority over another, the consequences can be devastating, whether the competition is between families, friends and neighbors or institutions or countries.
The roots of the word “to compete”, derived from ancient Latin, (COMPETERE) describes the state “to strive together”. But yet, we rarely strive together as one collective body. By our nature, we all seek admiration and attention to satisfy the ego self. Think about billions of people out there who attempt to differentiate themselves from one another, each voice clamoring for recognition, seeking external validation. Let us instead not seek external validation or attempt to use an external loudspeaker to promote ourselves, but act to serve those external to us. The paradox, clearly exemplified in Christian terms, is that the highest honor is given to the most humble servant, not to the individual with the most authority or power.
As we serve, questions of our worth and value become immaterial. As we grow into a heart of service, we find that we are admired and recognized by others due to our love and compassion — but find that it no longer matters. What matters is the service being rendered. No longer do we seek to be in competition, but instead celebrate the accomplishments of all people.
The highly Spiritual Person doesn’t give a second thought about who reaches a goal first- merely that it has been reached, and in a manner of collaboration. A personal achievement by my husband becomes an achievement for us as a couple, and vice versa. A success of a friend becomes something you want to tell everyone about. You gain energy and become awestruck as you notice the varied gifts of those around you. Your unique personal gifts and talents are likely to deepen as well. By supporting one another, a bond, sense of connectedness and trust becomes the foundation for relationships rather than the shaky foundation most relationships (or rather relationships that are really acquaintances) crumble upon. And learning this depth of intimacy is one of the hallmarks of spiritual mastery.
It has been a challenge to face my competitive nature head on, and I must always remember the moments when I have witnessed the beauty of working to “strive together” with one’s neighbor, rather than needing to be first in all things. This is an essential key to the Wild Spirituality that sets us free to serve and love others.
Blessings,
Nicole
