The “Is-ness” of it All
As I have struggled over the years, primarily in an attempt to rid myself of various fears and to see through the illusions presented in life, the journey has been a consistent series of ups and downs. Cross over one “hill” with some degree of success only to be confronted with a huge “mountain” looming in the very next step. If one looks carefully, one can see a pattern beginning to form. There is predictability in the unpredictable. As you are being pushed and pulled in all directions, doubting yourself, doubting others, at some point a sense of “It just is….” will emerge.
The first stage in the “is-ness” of it all is to become brutally honest with oneself. I would agree that AA got it right as it is mandated in Step 4, the need to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Before we can just “be”, we need to know the lay of the land and what’s really out there, particularly in our hearts.
It is of course incredibly scary though to examine your constitution. Several questions arise including, “What if I hate what I see?” or perhaps scarier, “What if others hate what they see and leave?” These are all valid points.
If you have the courage to go through this process, with honesty, you realize a couple of things. First, you are shocked at the darkness that lies within you, and surprised that people haven’t gone running and screaming from you yet. Secondly, as with the dark, there is also some light, or goodness within you. Thirdly, if you sometimes choose negativity and sometimes choose light, the make-up of who you are must lie somewhat on a continuum. It is hard to definitively state that you are all “good” or all “bad”. Therefore, other people aren’t entirely evil or saintly either. You act the way you do because you decide to. Others act the way they do “just because” they choose to. Each individual is just a person, no more, no less, with some good points and some bad points.
Eventually you understand that you are who you are- a complex amalgamation of the aggregate thoughts, behaviors, beliefs and actions you have experienced in your life. The need to view yourself in subjective terms (i.e., “I’m a good person.”) becomes unnecessary. The fear of not living up to your standards or the standards of others no longer is so terrifying. You stop dedicating so much energy in trying to justify your behaviors or make excuses for yourself, but instead take radical responsibility for all of who you are. You begin to experience the freedom from the illusion or story you’ve created surrounding yourself. And it is incredibly sweet to experience this openness for the first time. Christians will relate to the passage in Romans 8:1, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” If you reach this point and are a Christian you will finally get this phrase. For others, this will be a powerful “a-ha” moment that is a turning point in their lives.
The veil begins to lift as you see people for who they truly are. There is no longer a need to place some on a pedestal, or impugn the character of another. You can allow yourself to be more genuine with people. You stop judging others so harshly. The postponement of judgment is also an act of charity you begin to extend to yourself.
I won’t ruin for you what the next stages are. You are bound to discover it for yourself. I will share though that you will notice rapid changes. People will start to relate to you differently. They sense that you have suspended judgment and sense that you are trustworthy. Those you encounter will automatically be more drawn to you, even strangers will approach you and open up. As you continue to move forward, you will attack fearfulness more vigorously and continue to see through the illusions. It is difficult though to not have some regret over the hardship that you created for yourself when you understand that there was no need to be fearful in the first place.
Now you have begun to sow the seeds of peace within you. Let them flourish and grow abundantly.
Peace,
Nicole
